*pulls up to mcdonalds drive thru* hey…..it’s me again
it’s sometimes hard to believe rasputin was real. like there’s no non-fucked up part of rasputin’s existence
did he do something problematic i thought he was just russia’s greatest love machine
basic (true) story: fanatical russian monk who has almost never shaved or washed and smells like goats shows up at the russian capital with a creepy look on his beardy face and everyone just assumes he’s a prophet or a saint because he’s got a cult following that believes he can cure illnesses. his stans are sexually obsessed with him and he gets just a fuckton of russian pussy wherever he goes cause apparently he can cure his true believers of illness with god-given dick magic. russia’s queen has him come stay at the palace and sets him up in luxury because she thinks he can cure her son’s haemophilia with the power of russian goat jesus, and they (allegedly) become lovers, probably, ‘cause she craves that unwashed goat-scented dick like the rest of his cult which she now (allegedly) belongs to.
then the worst assassins in the history of assassinations try to assassinate him, because all of russia is slutshaming the queen he has too much power over the royal family and it’s helping revolutionaries turn people against the royals. so these idiots have him round for tea and cakes which are poisoned with cyanide, but he is magically unaffected by poison they get the dose wrong and he doesn’t die, and then he drinks three glasses of wine, which are also poisoned, and he doesn’t die, so they tell him to look at a crucifix and shoot him in the chest with a revolver when he isn’t looking, and he doesn’t die, but they think he’s dead so one of them dresses in his clothes and gets driven to his apartment to make it look like he’s gone home to hide the crime, and when they come back he gets up and attacks them, so they stab him in the side with a knife, and he doesn’t die, and then he frees himself and runs outside, so they shoot him a few times more, including in the forehead, and they wrap his body up and chuck him in the icy river, and he doesn’t go into the water, so his body is found on the ice the next day. and get this…. he died…. of hypothermia.
additionally, everyone who wasnt in the party of getting rid of rasputin was pretty bummed out when they found him and his miracle dick dead the next day and there was a pretty bangin funeral of which the royal family themselves attended. however after the tsar was overthrown a few month later they exhumed his body and burned it because the new leadership was very adamant about making sure there were no ties left to honor the old monarchy. however this dudes body had never been properly prepped for a cremation which meant that under the extreme heat his tendons and ligaments began to retract and shrink causing his dead body to move and twitch around as if still animate. according to some testimony his body actually sat up straight on the pyre, and at least one spectator fired a gun at the body and another may have allegedly died of shock.
Rasputin was an old god from times before humans
He is like a cleric gone wild
Calling Rasputin a cleric is bard erasure, the dude seduced a monarch and then proceeded to pull off like 5 Nat 20’s in a row. That’s the most true to life bardic thing I’ve ever heard.
i see your Friends to Lovers trope and raise you Lovers Back to Friends. because healthy, amicable breakups are good and sometimes your ex can still be your good buddy
omg there’s a dog in my yard this is the best day ever
hello fuzzy baby friend
NOT A DOG
NOT A DOG
BEAR
ABORT ABORT ABORT
Rolling a 1 on a perception check
me 5 years ago: the internet isn’t your diary lmao
me now: what’s up, today i cried whilst eating a biscuit
spongebob critical
spongebob and patrick emotinally abuse squidward on a daily basis and nobody???talks about this????
Mr. Krabs is basically a slave owner since he admits to almost never paying his employees.
Patrick killed like 20 people at the frycook olympics.
Plankton was so lonely that he built a computer to marry, but also programmed it to belittle him and go behind his back.
Sandy cheeks represents the oppressed minority because she is the only mammal in bikini bottom and lives alone in the middle of nowhere despite being smarter than all of them combined and yet no one here is talking about representation????
Mrs. Puff suffers from Spongebob continuously failing his driving test to the point where he one time crashed so hard, she lost her inflation (since she’s a pufferfish) and was reduced to shriveled wreck.
Don’t forget about how Spongebob constantly harassed and followed Mrs. puff afterwards despite how she clearly didn’t want anything to do with him after the accident.
Bubble Buddy killed a man.
Bubble Buddy poisoned the water supply, burned the crops, and delivered a plague onto the houses of the Bikini Bottom residents.
he did??
No… but are we just going to wait around until he does?!
I SAY WE TIP SOMETHING OVER!
“now what?”
“Ǵ̝͖͖̻̹͎̳͓E̬̥T̶̛̻̙͎͝ ̟̘̩̼͉͍̜̖͉̕T̢̺̗͓̼̟̫̬̙̖̀H͏̝̖͓͓̪ͅE̥ ͇͍̞̹̜̞͟L̼̲̲̠͢͝Ḭ̣̻̬̖͙̀F̹̙͍̼̰̬͕͟È̶͖͇͕̜͉̘͝G̻̜̰̯̖ͅU̲̳̼A̹̣̳R̶̗̀D͏̴͓͎̝̹̘̝ͅ!̻̲̭͔̜̺͠͝“
Joe.
Talk shit get hit.
best delivery of a verbal bitch slap in cinematic history.
I don’t understand why you would gif this scene but cut off the actual verbal bitch slap.
Viscount: [angrily] “Sir, you will find the word ‘fear’ is not in my vocabulary!”
Joe: [stonefaced] “Perhaps. But it’s in your eyes.”
tom holland? singlehandedly ended fragile masculinity. while all the other dudes were sweating uncomfortably, homeboy just straight out said he’d jump on chris hemsworth’s dick
